Bloggedy, Blog Love
There are two things that people most want, love and money. They often think that having money will get them love or get them more experiences of love. This is because we equate having money with being able to do things and make things happen for those we love, earning us more love.
Over the years I’ve heard it all regarding love:
‘I don’t think I want to be married to him anymore, I know that doesn’t make sense.’ Yes, it does, I see why you think you want to be single.
‘Kalyn, this relationship is killing me, why am I doing this?’ Because it’s your next step in life and you know it, which is why you’ll keep going.
‘I want to meet the One’ There’s more than one and when you’re ready and you stop wanting to be saved, he’ll show up.
‘You don’t understand, I meant her harm.’ Ok, that one surprised me. Now, let’s try to straighten it out.
In many cultures, as we all know, love is arranged. It is convenient and often a resume is required – but I think it’s not called a resume. (I wonder what they call it?)
You don’t look into one-another’s eyes and fall in love, knowing that this is the one. Love at first sight. Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m probably more romantic that you (in the older definition of one who stubbornly holds an idealistic view of reality, life and certainly, love) but out of all the couples I’ve worked with and helped, all the clients I’ve had over the years and all the people, family and friends, I know – none have ever told me that it was love at first sight. Lust often happens at first site, and for this I’ve seen endless examples, but not love.
So, that’s got me thinking about love.
You’ve probably heard by now that there is no such things as a soul mate. If you hadn’t, welcome to my world. I may be romantic but I’m also pragmatic (there I go again with an oxymoron) – and I’m happy to tell you that this (soulmates not existing) is a very good thing. You wouldn’t want for your one and only true love to have gone on a blind date with someone else and never have met you or to find that your one and only died at a young age because then you’d be doomed to a loveless life. You also wouldn’t want to think that an unlimited universe could only make one person who fit you like a glove, right? So, it’s all good, really good. There are more gloves in the sea for you…
Here’s a little something that might lift your spirits – out of all the people I’ve helped (either clients or friends) over the years, love (or lack of) in their lives was never a dead-end street. It always could get better and I was always able to help people see their relationship in a different way that empowered them and helped them improve their experience. So, regardless of your circumstance, you can always experience a greater love in your life.
Like Seeds In A Garden
“Happiness held is the seed;
Happiness shared is the flower.” – John Harrigan
A good marriage match is like a seed that is planted in a garden. When two people enter the contract of love and share their lives, the flowers blossom and love grows. I know, I just made your list of ten least favorite people and you are wondering how the hell I can call myself a romantic. It’s just because I tend to see two sides of the coin and then sometimes I see yet another side, which is what I want to share with you today.
In the West we have a romantic notion about love, which we have infected (not necessarily in a negative sense) the East with, like a new trend that has altered them permanently. The notion of loving the person you marry used to be thought of as foolish, since such marriages were generally a disaster, especially compared to arrange marriages that lasted a lifetime, were quite successful and created love.
I don’t mean to mislead you and make you think that your next marriage should be arranged (truth be told, it is an outdated practice and I would have to hide my laughter at the thought of you asking me to meet your arranged fiancée). What I am bringing to the table for you to consider is the notion that one side of the coin has illustrated that love grows; it is something that develops over time. Lust at first site, not love. Soulmates exist, but it happens the opposite of the way it is painted: as you share your mind, body and soul, your dreams and desires and as you travel through the trials and tribulations of life, you bare your soul to the other and, as you do this, your souls can’t help but merge and blend- intertwine, just like your lives do. This love is deep and bonded, but, truth be told, it’s similar to the love you hold for your mother, your child or your best friend. Right? You’d do anything for your kid, wouldn’t you?
Soulmate: When a Man Loves a Woman
I can never get that song out of my head, I don’t even know who sings it, but I hear the tune ‘when a maaaan loves a woman…’
One reason it sticks out so much for me is because (in my world) it refers to a different kind of love.
Perhaps I need to give you the second side of the coin first, before we talk about side three of the love coin that I see…
Side two: from a psychological perspective, there is love, as we described above, and dysfunctional love. Dysfunctional love is the fabric of soap operas and the key elements of most love stories (or teenage relationships, sorry teens, but we’ve all been there). Dysfunctional love has everything to do with looking to the other person to fill a void within you, which often looks like having the other person make you feel better about you, make you feel loved, adored and so on. Dysfunctional love is based on an unspoken agreement in which I do something for you, that you dramatically say you can’t live without, and visa-versa. Hence, we can’t live without one-another. Just look to one of my favorite examples of this to see dysfunctional love in action: the movie Twilight. (I’m human too, so I enjoyed this sappy and dysfunctional trilogy, what can I say? It’s like a fix). Anyway, this is a great example of ‘I can’t breath without you’, even though you can, ‘I can’t think of anything else’, yes, dysfunction is addictive but you have to choose whether to keep wanting her, even tho she clearly doesn’t want you, or if you’ll let yourself move on and build a relationship with someone who shares their lives and their dreams with you. And, in case you feel like I’m mocking these feelings, I am. I always poke fun at inauthenticity because we need to be able to get to the point where we can laugh at ourselves and choose something that is beneficial.
Ok, so you get the two sides, right? An addiction to love, or dysfunctional love, and the love that comes from sharing your life.
Now, back to the third side of the coin:
I think most mature men in love would agree with me when I say that most people aren’t really capable of love. The way these mature men love their wives goes beyond words and is probably like trying to explain what it was like when you saw your newborn for the first time. I think they would tell you that they would literally try to move heaven and hell because they see their heart beating in her chest. She completes him and she adds color to the world. These men are taken.
This may sound like the description of dysfunction to you, and it should. True love comes from your authenticity but dysfunctional love, like the ego or your false personality, mimics authenticity, but does a poor job. The false self tries to be self-centered and connected to self, but instead is egotistical and can’t see others. The false self tries to mimic true love and instead creates dysfunctional love. You can’t love another (though you can dysfunctionally be attached) when you are false because love is an energetic essence that resonates above the frequency of ego or the false self.
This third kind of love is above these, vibrationally speaking. It encompasses true love, the kind you feel for your child and mate, but it goes further still. I don’t know that we, as women, know what this is like exactly- just like men probably don’t know what our love for our child is like.
This kind of love is a gift from the Creator of the universe. I think that the Creator himself didn’t expect to find this identification, this sense that his existence was taken by the feminine flow. This is why, a downside, men can be controlled by the women they love. Still, it is worth the risk of being controlled because knowing where you want to focus your attention, knowing who you wake up and breath for and knowing what it’s like to kiss and love the object of your affection… well, I suspect that this love can lead to your salvation; that this love can unravel the universe for you and that, once you have this love, you’ll graduate life.
I am a romantic and I am insightful; I am deeply spiritual but I’m also pragmatic. I don’t believe in meditating or partaking in any spiritual act unless it is going to directly benefit your life (the pragmatic side), so I like to add a teachable application at the bottom of these blogs.
However, I don’t know if I have one for you because love is like the holy grail in the sense that it is the ultimate prize and, in some ways, it doesn’t exist for some people.
Contrary to how my words might seem, (because I’ve become a better writer over the years, but I wish I had a way with words the way some writers enchant and create magic with words) I don’t mean to dissuade or bum you out. I don’t mean to insult you or make you think that I don’t think you have love in your life. I actually mean to change your mind, to get you to question the love in your life and want more. I guess you could say that, like a drug dealer, I’m here to try to get you addicted to you. I’m addicted, and addicts like good company.
As a small child we all asked for another toy and were told not to ask for too much, not to be greedy (and if you didn’t catch my blog a few days ago, boy do I have something to say about monkeys and greed!). Well, I’m here to say that your spiritual and personal develop lay in the right kind of greed—you should want, seek and chase a better love. The love you have or desire can grow and your relationship can offer you more than you think it can. Gentlemen, I can only assume that I’m right about this different kind of love in which men can be taken. How very cool. It’s different for us ladies.
Reach for the stars. Dysfunctional attachments that we call love tend to bleed you to death. They are dramatic and painful. True love really does blossom and it creates soulmates, so bare your soul to a mate that you can trust. And if you can reach even higher guys, be taken. I believe that will change your soul.